Accountant jokes

What did the accountant say when he looked at the tax form? The man who set the standard deduction must have been a bachelor. I am lying when I am listing myself as a head of household.

What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost.

Why does Santa like visiting the UK? He can claim Gift Relief.

How do accountants make a bold fashion statement? Wear their dark grey socks instead of the light grey.

America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer!

Why are accountants always so calm, composed, and methodical? They have strong internal controls.

Why do accountants get excited at the weekends? Because they can wear casual clothes to work.

Why are accountants so cool, calm and collected? They have strong internal controls.

What is the definition of “accountant”? Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

What does CPA stand for? Can’t Pass Again.

What do accountants like most about the weekends? They get to wear casual clothes to work!

Be audit you can be.

What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.? Lazy.

What does an accountant say when boarding a train? Mind the GAAP!

Why don’t skunks have to pay taxes? They’ve only got one scent.

How does a pirate report treasure on his taxes? On a schedule sea!

Did you hear about the fraudulent Irish Finance Director? He burned his office down trying to cook the books.

If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep all she has to say is “Dear, tell me about your day at work.”

What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone? Popular

What do accountants do for fun? Add the telephone book!

What is the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.

How do you know when an accountant is on holiday? He doesn’t wear a tie and comes in after 8am!

How many accounts does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many did it take last year?

What would an accountant want for a superpower? Telepathy with an excel spreadsheet.

What do actuaries do to liven up their parties? Invite an accountant.