I’m on a seafood diet. It’s going to be really tough for me — I lost a bet to a friend, and the problem is I am a vegetarian.
How does the white-tail deer jump higher than the average house? This is due to their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump.
How do you know it’s cold outside? You go outside and it’s cold.
What’s white and annoying at breakfast? An avalanche.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar. They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m OK.
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? An ambulance, due to the fact that he has a rather serious head wound.
What did the raccoon say to the other raccoon? “Does my breath smell like garbage?”
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
How do you confuse someone? Paint yourself green and throw forks at them.
What do you get when you mix a goat and a sheep? A geep.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? It doesn’t even matter.
What does a dad joke sound like in space? As cringe as it sounds on earth.
What does one French Guy say to another French Guy? “My name is also Guy.”
What did one Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? I do not know; I don’t speak Japanese.
My girlfriend is like an iPhone 7. She doesn’t have a headphone jack.
Why can’t Tommy the T. rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What did the monkey and pancake batter have in common? They both love bananas.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Do you want to know what always makes me smile? Face muscles.
Mary had a little lamb, And the doctor fainted.
Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
What came first, the chicken or the egg? Dinosaurs.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food? Vampires aren’t real.
Why do we dress baby boys in blue and baby girls in pink? Because they can’t dress themselves.
What’s black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.
What’s funny about five people in a Chevy Suburban driving off a cliff? Nothing. They were my friends.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
I still remember the last words my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall… And a pretty good spring and summer too.
Want to know something that will make you smile? Your facial muscles.
This girl invited me to her house, saying nobody was home. I got there, and nobody was home.
What makes you laugh harder than your own child? A whoopie cushion.
How long does it take you to count to 100? I don’t care.
What do you call a talking turtle? Fictional.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Do you want to know my secret to sanity? Red wine.
I’d never tell you a pizza joke. It’s way too cheesy.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Learn sign language. It’s very handy.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What did he give her on Valentine’s Day? Something red and lots of lies.
Do you know why everyone is afraid to come to my house? It’s haunted.
What do you call a pencil sharpener that can’t sharpen pencils? Broken.
How is a bar of soap the same as your dreams? They’re both amazing at slipping away.
What did one woman say to the other woman next to the coffee machine? “Coffee looks good.”
I have glasses but cannot see. I have feet but cannot walk. What am I? A riddle.
What did one Frenchman say to the other Frenchman? I don’t know; I don’t speak French.
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Chickens had not evolved yet.