Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
There’s no hole in your shoe? Then how’d you get your foot in it?
What do you call a fly without wings? A walk!
What do you call Samsung’s security team? The Guardians of the Galaxy!
What do you call someone else’s cheese? Nacho cheese!
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but its flag is a big plus!
I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. Never again.
What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? “Oh sheet!”
Why are there fences are cemeteries? Because everyone’s always dying to get in.
What do you call a dangerous sun shower? A rain of terror!
What did the drummer call his two twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two.
When’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie!
What should a sick bird do? Get tweetment.
When is a door not really a door? When it’s really ajar.
What do you call a factory that sells generally decent goods? A satisfactory.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy.
Where do mansplainers get their water? From a well, actually.
What did the over-excited gardener do when spring came? She wet her plants.
What did the princess say in the photo booth? “Someday my prints will come.”
What do clouds wear under their shorts? Thunderpants.
What kind of dogs love car racing? Lap dogs!
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
I used to hate body hair, but then it grew on me.