Bad jokes

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

What do you call someone else’s cheese? Nacho cheese!

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but its flag is a big plus!

I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. Never again.

What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? “Oh sheet!”

Why are there fences are cemeteries? Because everyone’s always dying to get in.

What do you call a dangerous sun shower? A rain of terror!

What did the drummer call his two twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two.

When’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie!

What should a sick bird do? Get tweetment.

When is a door not really a door? When it’s really ajar.

What do you call a factory that sells generally decent goods? A satisfactory.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.

Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy.

Where do mansplainers get their water? From a well, actually.

What did the over-excited gardener do when spring came? She wet her plants.

What did the princess say in the photo booth? “Someday my prints will come.”

There’s no hole in your shoe? Then how’d you get your foot in it?

What do you call a fly without wings? A walk!

What do you call Samsung’s security team? The Guardians of the Galaxy!

I used to hate body hair, but then it grew on me.

What’s the difference between a dapper man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire!

What’s the action like at a circus? In-tents.

I put my root beer into a square glass. Now it’s just beer.

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? “Oops!”

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? “Aye, matey!”

What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.

What do you call a fish with two knees? A tunee fish.

Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.

A man died after drinking varnish. It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.

How can you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the fresh prints.

I want to go camping every year. That trip was so in tents.

What kind of music do windmills like? They’re metal fans.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick!

What did the green grape say to the purple grape? “Breathe, damn it! Breathe!”

Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it’s too far to walk.

I’m terrified of elevators so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

What do clouds wear under their shorts? Thunderpants.

What kind of dogs love car racing? Lap dogs!

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the fresh prints!

The guy that invented the umbrella was gonna call it the brella. But he hesitated.

How do prisoners communicate with one another? Cell phones.

Why don’t crabs donate? Because they’re shellfish.

What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.

What’s the worst part of being an egg? You only get laid once (and it’s with your mom)!

Why did the golfer need new pants? Because he got a hole in one.

What do you call a snobby criminal going downstairs? A condescending con descending.

What’s the loudest kind of pet you can get? A trumpet.

Today I gave my dead batteries away. They were free of charge.

What do you call a large African mammal with long hair and sandals? A hippie-potamus.

Two guys walks into a bar. The third guy ducks.

Why do ghosts love elevators? Because they lift their spirits.

Why do you smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.

What do you do when you see a spaceman? Park in it, man.

Why shouldn’t you write with a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.

What was the mummy’s favorite type of music? Wrap.

What do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon aid!

Why did the baby cookie cry? Because its mother was a wafer so long.

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up? Because it was too tired.

What did one bean say to the other? “How you bean?”

What to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it’s tearable.

What do you call a canine magician? A labracadabrador.

Which knight invented King Arthur’s Round Table? Sir Cumference.

What’s a foot’s favorite snack? Dori-toes.

I was sitting in traffic the other day. Probably why I got run over.

How many tickles can an octopus take? Tentacles!

What concert costs only 45 cents? 50 Cent and Nickelback.

What do you call a boomerang that never comes back? A stick.

What do you tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast!

Why can’t a hand be 12 inches long? Because then it’d be a foot.

Why shouldn’t you make a “dad joke” if you’re not a dad? Because it’s a faux pa.

A friend of mine got into photographing salmon in different clothing. He said he liked shooting fish in apparel.

What kind of car runs on leaves? An autumn-mobile!

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

What did one elevator say to the other? “I think I’m coming down with something.”

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

You know why they called it “the dark ages?” There were too many knights.

How do you feel when there’s no coffee? Depresso.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion!

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

A chicken coup only has two doors. If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Why did the snowman pick through a bag of carrots? Because he was picking his nose.

What are the biggest enemies of caterpillars? Dogerpillers.

What can you do if you’re scared of elevators? Take steps to avoid them.

What do you call an empty can of Cheese Whiz? Cheese Was.

What concert is worth just 45 cents? 50 Cent and Nickelback.

What’s brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.

What’s a ninja’s favorite type of shoes? Sneakers!

A cowherd counted 48 cows on his property. But when he rounded them up, he had 50.

What’s green and sings? Elvis Parsley.

What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.

Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Why did the teacher love the whiteboard? She just thought it was remarkable!

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.

A company is making glass coffins. Whether they’re successful remains to be seen.

How does your feline shop? By reading a catalogue.

Why did Cinderella get kicked off of the soccer team? Because she kept running from the ball!

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew!

What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain? Hi Cliff!

What do you call a farm that makes bad jokes? Corny!

What do carb-loving zombies eat? Graaaaaaaains.

What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?

What’s the best time to see a dentist? Tooth hurty.

A guy told me, “Nothing rhymes with orange.” So I replied, “No it doesn’t.”

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’re bagels!

What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden? Artificial Swedener.

Why can’t wildcats take tests? There are too many cheetahs.

I watched hockey before it was cool. They were basically swimming.

What do bees do if they need a ride? Wait at the buzz stop!

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

What did the buffalo say when his son left? Bison!

What do you call a hippie’s wife? A Mississippi!

I have an addiction to cheddar cheese. But it’s only mild.

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.

Why was the math teacher late to work? She took the rhombus.

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: “Hey, you want to see how far I can kick this bucket?”

Why was the broom late for a meeting? It overswept.

What did one wall say to the other? “Meet me at the corner!”

What did the animals tell Simba when he walked too slow? Mufasa!

Why did the coffee call the police? It got mugged!

Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow? It’s making headlines.

What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time!

I left my job at a shoe disposal plant. It was sole destroying.

I’m only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.

It’s inappropriate to make a “dad joke” if you are not a dad. It’s a faux pa.

Have you heard of the band 923 Megabytes? Probably not, they haven’t had a gig yet.

My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, it’s also terrible.

Did you hear about the guy who won the award for best knock knock joke? He won the no bell prize.

I’d like to go to Holland someday. Wooden shoe?

Did you know the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece!

When the two rabbit ears got married, it was a nice ceremony. But the reception was amazing.

What did Sushi A say to Sushi B? “Wasa-B!”

What did one dish say to the other? Dinner is on me!

Do you remember that joke I told you about my spine? It was about a weak back!

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.

Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots? He was picking his nose.

How did Ebenezer Scrooge win the football game? The ghost of Christmas passed!

I sold my vacuum yesterday. It was just collecting dust.

Why does Waldo only wear stripes? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

If you’re American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom? European!

What do you call a dog with no legs? You can call him whatever you want, he’s still not coming.

Have you heard the joke about the bed? No? That’s because it hasn’t been made yet.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? Because he always gets a hole in one!

Why are groups of fish so smart? Because they travel in schools.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach? “It’s not you, it’s a-me!”