Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
What did the princess say in the photo booth? “Someday my prints will come.”
There’s no hole in your shoe? Then how’d you get your foot in it?
What do you call a fly without wings? A walk!
What do you call Samsung’s security team? The Guardians of the Galaxy!
What do you call someone else’s cheese? Nacho cheese!
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but its flag is a big plus!
I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. Never again.
What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? “Oh sheet!”
Why are there fences are cemeteries? Because everyone’s always dying to get in.
What do you call a dangerous sun shower? A rain of terror!
What did the drummer call his two twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two.
When’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie!
What should a sick bird do? Get tweetment.
When is a door not really a door? When it’s really ajar.
What do you call a factory that sells generally decent goods? A satisfactory.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy.
Where do mansplainers get their water? From a well, actually.
What did the over-excited gardener do when spring came? She wet her plants.
I’m terrified of elevators so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
What do clouds wear under their shorts? Thunderpants.
What kind of dogs love car racing? Lap dogs!
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
I used to hate body hair, but then it grew on me.
What’s the difference between a dapper man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire!
What’s the action like at a circus? In-tents.
I put my root beer into a square glass. Now it’s just beer.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? “Oops!”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? “Aye, matey!”
What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A tunee fish.
Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
A man died after drinking varnish. It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.
How can you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the fresh prints.
I want to go camping every year. That trip was so in tents.
What kind of music do windmills like? They’re metal fans.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick!
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? “Breathe, damn it! Breathe!”
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it’s too far to walk.
Why do you smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
What do you do when you see a spaceman? Park in it, man.
Why shouldn’t you write with a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.
What was the mummy’s favorite type of music? Wrap.
What do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon aid!
Why did the baby cookie cry? Because its mother was a wafer so long.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up? Because it was too tired.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the fresh prints!
The guy that invented the umbrella was gonna call it the brella. But he hesitated.