Blonde jokes

Three blondes walk into a building. You’d think one of them would’ve seen it…..

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” … Read more

Q: How are U.F.Os and smart Blondes in common? A: You keep hearing about them but you never see them!

A blonde orders a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it into six, eight or twelve pieces. The blonde replies “Six please. I could never eat twelve”.

A blonde and a brunette are watching a TV show. The brunette bets the blonde $10 that the man in the episode would jump off a bridge. The man jumps off the bridge and blonde pays the the brunette $10. The brunette feels guilty because she had already seen the episode, so she confesses to … Read more

A blonde is swimming in a river. A man walks up and asks her, “What are you doing in there?” She says, “I’m washing my clothes.” The man asks, “Why don’t you use a washing machine?” The blonde says, “I tried that, but it was too dizzy.

Q: How do you drown a blonde in a submarine? A: Knock on the door.

Q: What do you call a blonde who never showers? A: A dirty blonde.

A blonde is wearing a pair of socks that don’t match, one is red and the other is white. Her friend sees her out and says, “You know your socks don’t match, right? You’re wearing one red sock and one white sock.” The blonde responds, “That’s so weird! I have another pair just like it … Read more

A blonde walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “What do you have on tap?” He replies, “Anheuser-Busch” (And-how’s-your bush). She says, “Just fine. How’s your penis?”

What do blondes do when their laptop freezes? Microwave them.

Q: Why was the blonde’s belly button sore? A: Her boyfriend was blonde too.

A blonde gets lost and calls for directions. The operator asks which cross streets she’s at. The blonde replies, “I’m on the corner of Walk and Do Not Walk.”

A: Because she saw a sign that said ‘Wet Floor.’

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy for 2 days? A: Give her a piece of paper that has “Please turn over” written on both sides.

Q: Why should you never give a blonde a coffee break? A: It takes far too long to retrain her.

There was a blonde driving in the country side when she went around the corner and saw an ocean of wheat fields. Then she saw a blonde in a row boat frantically paddling. The blonde driver yelled out, “Hey! It’s blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name and if I knew … Read more

Why did the blonde think she was a genius after completing her jigsaw puzzle? The box said “for two to five years” and it only took her one.

Blonde: “What does IDK stand for?” Brunette: “I don’t know.” Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”

Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture.

A blonde crashed a helicopter. A police officer asked her what happened. She says, “It got cold so I turned off the fan.”

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, … Read more

A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled up next to her. The man in the car says to her, ”What do you have in the bag?” The blonde replies: ”I have chickens!” The man thinks for a moment and says, ”If I can guess how many chickens you have in the … Read more

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said, “Disneyland Left.” So they started crying and went home.

Three women (a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette) are lost in the forest while hunting. They each have a shotgun with 2 bullets. They make a fire. Then the redhead gets up and goes hunting. She comes back with 2 rabbits. The other two say, “Wow, where did you get that?” She says, “I … Read more

Q: Why does the blonde have the biggest breasts in the third grade? A: Because she’s 21.

There was a blonde, a brunette and a redhead trapped on an island and the nearest land was 50 miles away. The redhead swam to land but only made it 15 miles then drowned. The brunette swam 24 miles and then drowned. The blonde swam 25 miles but then got tired so swam back to … Read more

Blonde: “What is the second to last letter of the alphabet?” Redhead: “Y.” Blonde: “Because I want to know. Why do you have to question everything?!”

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce … Read more

How can you tell if a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? there are m&m shells all over the kitchen floor.

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?” In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting … Read more

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in her ears.

One blonde was on one side of the river and there was another blonde on the other side of the river. One blonde yells to the other blonde, “How do you get to the other side?” and the other blonde yells back, “You are on the other side!”

Q: Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers? A: Because they can’t even!

One day a blonde went into the library and asked the librarian, “Can I have a burger and fries?” The librarian replied, “This is the library.” Then blonde whispered, “Oh. Can I have a burger and fries?”

There are eleven people hanging on a rope that comes down from an airplane. Ten of them are blonde and one is brunette.

What do you call an intelligent blonde? A golden retriever!

Q: What do you call a Blonde skeleton in the closet? A: Last year’s hide and seek champ

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband’s car? A: She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe.

Why do blondes wear so much hair spray? So they can catch all the things that go over their head.

Two blondes walk beside each other down the street. One of them sees a broken piece of mirror on the ground, grabs it, looks at it and says, “This girl looks so familiar, but I can’t remember where I know her from.” The other girl grabs it from her hand, takes a look at it, … Read more

Four blondes are ordering a few rounds of drinks. Each time they get up, they toast and say, “14 weeks,” then they down their drinks. The bartender finally asks the blondes, “What’s the deal?” One blonde says, “Well, we bought a boxed puzzle. It said ‘two to six years,’ and we did it in 14 … Read more

A blonde drove to the shopping mall and found a parking spot which had a sign that read “1 Hour Only,” but she wanted 2 hours to shop so she parked across 2 spaces.

Q: What’s the difference between a smart blonde and a unicorn? A: Nothing, they’re both fictional characters.

A blond girl was at the store, and just as she was heading for her car, someone stole it. The policemen asked, “Did you see the guy that did it?” She said, “No, but I got the license plate.”

Three blondes walk into a building. You’d think at least one of them would’ve seen it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde used a computer? A: There’s Wite-Out all over the screen.

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, “I’m hanging myself because I’m tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!” Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on … Read more

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Too many to count.

Why did the blonde climb the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.

Did you hear about the near‑tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage and eight blondes were stuck on the escalators for more than four hours.

A blonde and a brunette were in the car when the brunette asked the blonde to tell her if the turn signal is working. The blonde leans out of the car and replies, “Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No…”

I knew a blonde that was so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday? A: Tell her a joke on Friday.

What do you get when you line up 5 blondes side by side? A wind tunnel.

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” … Read more

A blonde goes to the doctor’s and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what’s wrong. She replies, “I know who the dad is for one of them but I don’t know who the dad is for the other one!”

Did you hear what happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in spring training.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? She kept throwing out all the ‘W’s.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?? She threw it off a cliff.

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, “Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.” The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, “That’s horrible!” Confused, he replies, “Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.” After a few minutes, the … Read more

A blond asked his friend, “Why does my sister have two brothers and I only have one?” #

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy? A: Write “please flip over” on a piece of paper and give it to her.

This blonde calls me and says, “What’s your phone number? I cant find it!”

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours? A: Because it said ‘concentrate’

Brunette: “Where were you born?” Blonde: “The United States.” Brunette: “Which part?” Blonde: “My whole body.”

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, “It’s dark in here isn’t it?” The other replied, “I don’t know; I can’t see.”

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.” With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and … Read more

A police officer sees a blonde woman crying under a street lamp on the sidewalk. He asks her what’s wrong and if there’s anything he can do to help. The blonde replies, “I lost my wedding ring.” The officer asks, “Okay, where did you drop it?” The blonde says, “About a block away, but the … Read more

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a Blonde’s head? A: A Space Invader

A brunette and blonde are walking in the park when the brunette says, “Aw, look at the dead birdie.” The blonde looks up and says, “Where?”

A blonde, redhead, and a brunette were thinking about what they would do if they went to space. The redhead said, “I would adopt a martian.” The brunette said, “I would give Pluto some steroids.” The Blonde said, “I would go to the sun.” The redhead replied, “But you would burn up and die.” The … Read more

A blonde, a fat brunette, and a skinny redhead find a magic mirror. If you lie to the mirror you die. The redhead says, “I look fat,” and dies. The brunette says, ” I look skinny,” and dies. The blonde says, “I think…” and dies.

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.”

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, “It’s dark in here isn’t it?” The other replied, “I don’t know; I can’t see.”

A blonde sees a thermos in a store. She asks a clerk, “What is that and what’s it for?” The clerk answers, “It’s a thermos that keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” The blonde says, “I’ll take it.” When she gets to work, her blonde boss asks, “What is that?” The blonde worker … Read more

A blonde and brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist. The brunette asked why she had a rope tied around her waist. The blonde answered that she was trying to commit suicide. The brunette said, “You’re supposed to put the rope … Read more

Q: How did the Blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, “I’ve had it up to here with … Read more

Q: Why did the blonde pee on the ground?

A blonde came up to the librarian & yelled, “This book sucks! There’s way too many characters & the story makes no sense!” The librarian said, “So you’re the one who took our phone book.”

Why is a blonde girl staring at the orange juice box? The orange juice box says, “Concentrated.”

Q: Why do blondes have “TGIF” written on their shoes? A: To remind them Toes Go In First.

What is the first thing that a blonde always does in the morning? Goes home.

A blonde decided to paint a room. When her husband got home, he asked, “Why are you wearing an Alaskan and a winter coat?” She replied, “The can said for best results apply 2 coats.”

A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. “How do they feel?” asks the salesclerk. “Well, they feel a bit tight,” replies the blonde. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the blonde’s feet. “Try pulling the tongue out,” offers the clerk. “Nath, … Read more

A blonde walks into a hospital and claims that everywhere she touches hurts. The doctor says, “Ma’am, you have a broken finger.”

A blonde’s neighbor’s house was on fire so she called 911. The blonde told the operator, “My neighbor’s house is on fire!” The operator asked, “Where are you?” The blonde answered, “At my house.” The operator replied, “No, I’m asking how do we get there?” The blonde said, “In a firetruck, duh!”

Q: Why can’t blondes tie shoes? A: They just can’t grasp the concept that the long thing goes around the hole, not into it.

Q: What is the best blonde secretary? A: One that never misses a period.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard? A: Grade 4.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in a Mexican prison. They committed a crime and have been sentenced to death. The women are instructed to say when they are ready for the firing squad to shoot and kill them. The brunette is called up. She says, “Ready, aim, tornado!” Afraid of an approaching … Read more

A blonde is driving down a countryside road when she sees another blonde in a rowboat trying to row her way through a field. The blonde in the car yells out “it is blondes like you that give us a bad name and I would come over there and give you a piece of my … Read more

Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks, “Are you two sisters?” They chuckle and reply, ” No, we aren’t even Catholic.”

Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks. The first one said, “Look, it’s deer tracks.” The second one said, “No, it’s wolf tracks” and before the third one could answer, they got hit by a train.

What do you call a blonde with 1 brain cell? Gifted. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant.

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins … Read more

Why do blondes drive BMWs? Because they can spell it.

Brunette: Have you met my identical twin sister yet? Blonde: No, what does she look like?

The blonde’s computer password had to be eight characters long and include at least one capital. So she made it “MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyAlbany.”

Why did the blonde break both her legs when she was raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, “Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes…”

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? I wonder if it’s mine.

How can you tell when a brunette is actually a blonde who dyes her hair? When she trips over the cordless phone.

A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you’ll lose at least five pounds.” When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, “That’s amazing! Did you follow my … Read more

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde die while raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: Why were there 17 blondes standing outside the pub? A: Because the sign said you have to be 18 to enter.

There’s a blond and a brunette in a car. The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat. They’re going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don’t work. The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don’t work and they will drive off the side of the … Read more

One day, a blonde went to the doctor with both sides of her face burned. The doctor asked, “What happened?” The blonde said, “Well, I was ironing my husband’s shirt until the phone rang. I picked it up and half my face was burnt!” The doctor replied, “What about the other half?” The blonde answered, … Read more

What did the blonde say when the doctor told her that she was pregnant? “I hope it is mine”

A blonde asked her coworker, “Do you have any kids?” “Yes,” she replied. “I have one child that’s just under two.” The blonde said, “I might be blonde, but I know how many one is.”

How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a circle and tell her to go to the corner.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They run into an old barn and hide in potato sacks. The officer chasing them walks into the barn looking for them. He kicks the first sack with the redhead inside and the redhead says, “Woof woof!” The cop thinks it’s a dog, … Read more

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was … Read more

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? You tell her a joke on Wednesday.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are all on a building about to jump off. They all jump at the same time. Which one landed last? The blonde because she asked for directions.

A man walks by a blonde, who is holding a pig. The man asks, “Where did you get her?” The pig answered, “I won her at the fair.”

A blonde goes to a soda machine. She puts in a dollar and gets a soda. She does this again and again. A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long. She says, “Can’t you see I’m winning?”

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are driving in a truck. The brunette and redhead are in the cab and the blonde is in the back. They accidentally drive off a bridge into water. The brunette and redhead get out and swim to the surface and wait for the blonde. After a few minutes … Read more

How to you get a blonde to run laps? Put her in a large round room and tell her to stand in the corner.

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners. The lady says, “Come Again!” The blonde says, “No, it’s toothpaste this time.”

How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow fell on her.

How do you get a one handed blonde down from a tree? Wave at her.

Q: What is five miles long and has an IQ of 40? A: A parade of blonde’s.

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat. “No!” yells the blonde. Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again. “For the last time, no!” says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, … Read more

Why are blonde jokes so short? So they can remember them.

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde driver and says, “You failed to stop at the red light. Let me see your driver’s licence.” The blonde asks, “What does that look like?” The blonde cop answers, “It is rectangular and has your picture on it.” The blonde looks around inside her purse and mistakes … Read more

Why did the blonde put her iPad in a blender? Because she wanted to make apple juice.

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, “Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.” The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, “That’s horrible!” Confused, he replies, “Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.” After a few minutes, the … Read more

How can you make a blonde go to the roof? Tell her that drinks are on the house.

Q: How do you get a blond on the roof? A: You tell her the food is on the house.

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, … Read more

I was at school when a blonde student asked me what letter comes after “X” in the alphabet. I replied “Y”. She then got mad, called me a prick and said “because I need to know that is why”.

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde-made Inventions? A: Solar Powered Flashlights, Helicopter Ejection Seats, and the Submarine Screen Door.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes in a freezer? A: Frosted Flakes!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been sighted.

A blonde woman decides that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in … Read more

A blonde crashed a helicopter. When the police officer asked why, she said, “It got chilly in here, so I turned off the fan.”

What did the blonde name her pet zebra? Spot.

A brunette goes into a doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. “Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.” She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes … Read more

So I asked a blonde, “Which is closer, Florida or the Sun?” She said, “The Sun, because I can look up and see it.

Why didn’t 19 blondes go into a bar? The sign said 21+.

Q: What do dim lamps and blondes have in common? A: They both tend to be hot, but not too bright.

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, “Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?” The blonde said, “I’m sorry sir, but wherever I go, there’s always a tree in front of me and … Read more

Q: Why did the Blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills

They all decide that one person should get off because if they don’t, the rope will break and everyone will die. Noone can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech ending with the words “I’ll get off”. The blondes are all very moved by her speech and start clapping. … Read more

How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch-and-sniff at the bottom of a pool.