Christmas jokes

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!

What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker? Pays her off!

A book never written: How to Decorate a Tree, by Orna Ment.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Snow. Snow who? Snow time to waste. It’s almost Christmas!

Why wouldn’t the cat climb the Christmas tree? It was afraid of the bark.

How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey? On the dark side!

What do you call buying a piano for the holidays? Christmas Chopin!

What does Santa do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Interrupting Santa. Inter– Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

Why does Scrooge love reindeer so much? Because every single buck is dear to him!

Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had very low elf esteem.

What’s the most popular Christmas wine? ‘But I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’

What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells!

What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-olph.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.

What do Santa’s elves learn in school? The elf-abet.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas Quacker!

What did Frosty’s girlfriend give him when she was mad at him? The cold shoulder.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa? Claustrophobic.

Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was searching for some holiday spirit.

Why didn’t Rudolph get a good report card? Because he went down in history.

What’s the Grinch’s least favorite band? The Who!

What is a Christmas tree’s favorite candy? Ornamints.

What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”? Santa walking backwards!

Where do Santa’s reindeer stop for coffee? Star-bucks!

What do you call a blind reindeer with no legs? Still no-eye deer.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Coal. Coal who? Coal me if you hear Santa coming.

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house!

Why is Santa so damn jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsels!

Why did Donald Trump continuously decorate the Christmas tree? Because people kept saying “moron” to him!

Why does Santa always come through the chimney? Because he knows better than to try the back door.

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree? Nice gnawing you!

What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes!

Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber? It needed to be trimmed!

What is the most competitive season? Win-ter!

What carol is heard in the desert? ‘O camel ye faithful!’

Why does Santa have elves in his workshop? Because the Seven Dwarfs were busy!

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas Party? Because he had no body to go with!

What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper!

Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

How did the bauble know that she was addicted to Christmas? She’d been hooked on Christmas trees all her life.

Why does Santa go down the chimney? Because it soots him!

Did you hear about the man who stole an advent calendar? He got 25 days.

What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!

Why did Santa have to go to the hospital? Because of his poor elf.

What do you get when you cross a deer with rain? A reindeer!

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming? He refers to his calen-deer.

Why did Santa get a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone!

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Santa. Santa who? Santa Christmas card to you, did you get it?

When Santa is on the beach what do the elves call him? Sandy Claus

The Christmas jumper my kids gave me last year kept picking up static electricity. I took it back and exchanged it for another one – free of charge.

What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate clauses.

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?A rebel without a Claus.

What cars do elves drive? Toyotas!

Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants? Elephanta Claus.

What do you call cutting down a Christmas tree? Christmas chopping!

What did Adam say the day before Christmas? “It’s Christmas, Eve!”

What do you call a broke Santa? Saint Nickel-less

Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year? Because he’s tired of being in the single market!

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut open til Christmas!

Why did the turkey cross the road? Because it was the chicken’s day off!

What do you call an elf that can sing and dance? Elfis.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?

What do you call an old snowman? Water.

My friend just won the Tallest Christmas Tree competition. I thought to myself, “How can you top that?”

How do you scare a snowman? Grab a hairdryer!

Did you know that Santa’s not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

What is an elf’s favorite sport? North-pole vaulting.

What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot? “Get out of my face.”

What could you call an elf who has just won the lottery? Welfy.

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas. Me: *sipping toast* Why?

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing – it was on the house.

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered!

Did you know that Santa actually only had two reindeer? Rudolph and Olive (the other reindeer).

What type of key do you need for a Nativity play? A don-key!

What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has No-el.es

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? Santa Clues!

What is Santa’s favorite pizza? One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even!

Why are mummies such big fans of Christmas? Because they enjoy wrapping.

Last Christmas I bought my friend a lie detector as a gift. “Oh… I love it!” she said. “We’ll see,” I said.

What’s the difference between Santa and a knight? One slays the dragon, the other drags the sleigh.

Why does Santa always enter through the chimney? Because it soots him.

What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs? Anything you want. He can’t hear you!

Why was the planned Ryanair TV documentary scrapped? They were unable to air a pilot!

When is a boat just like snow? When it’s adrift!

How did the bauble get addicted to Christmas? He was hooked on trees his whole life!

What do you get when Santa becomes a detective? Santa CLUES!

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.

What do you call a blind reindeer? I have no eye deer.

In what year does New Year’s Day come before Christmas? EVERY year!

What do you call Santa when he takes a break? Santa Pause.

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis!

What is Santa’s primary language? North Polish.

How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels!

Have you heard about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer? He can run as fast as Rudolph, he just can’t stop as fast.

I can’t get to the chocolates in my advent calendar. Foiled again.

The only Christmas present that I got this year was a deck of sticky playing cards. I find that very hard to deal with.

What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh? They go into town and blow more than a few bucks.

Where does Santa keep all his money? At the local snow bank.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Kim Jong Un will play Santa this year in the South’s annual pantomime. He said he fancied a Korea change!

How do you know when Santa’s around? You can always sense his presents.

What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow!

What do you call Santa if he also lives in the South Pole? Bi-Polar.

What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney? “Chest and nuts roasting on an open fire…”

What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has noel.

Why is everyone thirsty at the North Pole? No well.

Why did the red-nosed reindeer help the old lady cross the road? It would have been Rudolph him not to.

How does a sheep say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!

What kind of photos do elves take? Elfies!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer!

Why does Santa land on the roof? Because he likes it on top.

What’s Santa’s safe sex tip? Wrap your package before shoving it down the chimney.

Where does Santa Claus go swimming? The North Pool.

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!

Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present’s beneath them.

Why is winter a snowman’s favourite time of year? Because they can camouflage!

Why wouldn’t the Christmas tree stand up? It had no legs.

What’s as big as Santa but weighs nothing? Santa’s shadow!

How do you lift a frozen car? With a Jack Frost!

What’s the difference between a Christmas tree and a man? A Christmas tree will stay up for 12 nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Holly. Holly who? Holly-days are here again!

What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet? A mistle-toad!

Why is everyone so thirsty at the north pole? There’s o well, no well!

What do sheep say at Christmas? A Merry Christmas to Ewe!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? Horn-aments!

What do reindeers say before they tell you a joke? This one’s gonna sleigh you!

What did one snowman say another snowman? You’re cool.

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar? He got 25 days!

What falls at the North Pole and never gets hurt? Snow!

What was Santa’s favorite subject in school? Chemis-tree!

What is a bird’s favorite Christmas story? The Finch Who Stole Christmas.

What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? Mistletoe!

How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas? He was hooked on trees his whole life.

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis.

Who does Santa call when his sleigh breaks down? The Abominable Towman.

What do donkeys send out near Christmas? Mule-tide greetings.

Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.

What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad? A pineapple!

Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey—he’s always stuffed!

I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present. It’s a gift.

What did the stamp say to the Christmas card? Stick with me and we’ll go places!

Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store? He desperately needed some holiday spirit.

Why does Santa work at the North Pole? Because the penguins kicked him out of the South Pole!

How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer.