What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!
What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker? Pays her off!
A book never written: How to Decorate a Tree, by Orna Ment.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Snow. Snow who? Snow time to waste. It’s almost Christmas!
Why wouldn’t the cat climb the Christmas tree? It was afraid of the bark.
How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey? On the dark side!
What do you call buying a piano for the holidays? Christmas Chopin!
What does Santa do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Interrupting Santa. Inter– Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!
Why does Scrooge love reindeer so much? Because every single buck is dear to him!
Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had very low elf esteem.
What’s the most popular Christmas wine? ‘But I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells!
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-olph.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
What do Santa’s elves learn in school? The elf-abet.
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas Quacker!
What did Frosty’s girlfriend give him when she was mad at him? The cold shoulder.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa? Claustrophobic.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was searching for some holiday spirit.
Why didn’t Rudolph get a good report card? Because he went down in history.
What’s the Grinch’s least favorite band? The Who!
What is a Christmas tree’s favorite candy? Ornamints.
What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”? Santa walking backwards!
Where do Santa’s reindeer stop for coffee? Star-bucks!
What do you call a blind reindeer with no legs? Still no-eye deer.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Coal. Coal who? Coal me if you hear Santa coming.
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house!
Why is Santa so damn jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsels!
Why did Donald Trump continuously decorate the Christmas tree? Because people kept saying “moron” to him!
Why does Santa always come through the chimney? Because he knows better than to try the back door.
What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree? Nice gnawing you!
What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes!
Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber? It needed to be trimmed!
What is the most competitive season? Win-ter!
What carol is heard in the desert? ‘O camel ye faithful!’
Why does Santa have elves in his workshop? Because the Seven Dwarfs were busy!
Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas Party? Because he had no body to go with!
What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper!
Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.
How did the bauble know that she was addicted to Christmas? She’d been hooked on Christmas trees all her life.
Why does Santa go down the chimney? Because it soots him!
Did you hear about the man who stole an advent calendar? He got 25 days.
What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!
Why did Santa have to go to the hospital? Because of his poor elf.
What do you get when you cross a deer with rain? A reindeer!
How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming? He refers to his calen-deer.