Chuck Norris doesn’t need to shave. His beard is scared to grow.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
Few people know that Chuck Norris has a diary—it’s called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming “Law and Order” are trademarked names.
Chuck Norris once split a man in by giving him a wedgie
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Bigfoot claims he once saw Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once shattered the space-time continuum. He felt so bad, he put it back together.
On New Year’s Eve, Chuck Norris promised that he’d lose 20 pounds. The next morning he shaved his chest and smiled as he realized that he’d lost 30.
Chuck Norris named his daughter Mercy. The day she was born was the only day Chuck Norris ever had Mercy.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, ‘Two seconds till.’ After you ask, ‘Two seconds to what?’ he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
What came first, the chicken or the egg? Chuck Norris came first.
On the 7th day, God rested … Chuck Norris took over.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to look at a clock for the time. He tells the clock what time it’s supposed to be.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
When Chuck Norris does a push up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.
Chuck Norris once ate at Taco Bell and didn’t get diarrhea…
When life gave Chuck Norris lemons, he squeezed the lemons and made orange juice.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck said, “Say Please.”
Chuck Norris is actually the creator of the giraffe. It came to be after he uppercut a horse.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
When Christopher Columbus discovered America, he was greeted by Chuck Norris.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He simply decides what time it is.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.