My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors.
What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can’t be found.
I washed my hands so much because of COVID-19 that my exam notes from 1995 resurfaced.
What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? Its butt.
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”
I’m sorry and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. “She obviously has COVID,” my wife said. “Why?” I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, “Because she has no taste.”
Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face off in the corner.
What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. “Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
What’s the difference between a baby and a baked potato? About 140 calories.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.
What’s your name, son? The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”
Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!
I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!
I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.
I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”
What’s the difference between jelly and jam? You can’t jelly a clown into the tiny car.
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning. Being a sniper is awesome.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
I like to spend my weekends playing chess with old men in the park. It’s not easy. You try finding thirty-two old guys.
My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.
So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy: “Hey mister, it’s getting dark out and I’m scared.” Man: “How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone.””
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
I work with animals, the guy says to his date. “That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?” “I’m a butcher,” he says.
What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.
Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”
My favorite novel is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
My therapist told me “Time heals all wounds”, so I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Where exactly are you taking me, doctor? the patient asked. “To the morgue,” the doctor replied. “What?” The patient panicked. “But I’m not dead yet!” “And we’re not there yet,” the doctor said.
What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words ‘antidote’ and ‘anecdote,’ one of my good friends would still be alive.
My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s öghöoawirghäkanfgdvläyioxhboösa
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He’s all right now!
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!
I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a six-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”