Dark humor jokes

My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy: “Hey mister, it’s getting dark out and I’m scared.” Man: “How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone.””

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

I work with animals, the guy says to his date. “That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?” “I’m a butcher,” he says.

What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.

My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.

Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”

My favorite novel is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

My therapist told me “Time heals all wounds”, so I stabbed him. Now we wait…

Where exactly are you taking me, doctor? the patient asked. “To the morgue,” the doctor replied. “What?” The patient panicked. “But I’m not dead yet!” “And we’re not there yet,” the doctor said.

What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. “My friend isn’t breathing,” he shouts into the phone. “What should I do?” “Relax,” the operator tells him. “I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on … Read more

Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words ‘antidote’ and ‘anecdote,’ one of my good friends would still be alive.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s öghöoawirghäkanfgdvläyioxhboösa

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He’s all right now!

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!

I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a six-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.

My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die. “Usually an overdose, son,” I told him.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My wife of 60 years told me, “Let’s go upstairs and make love.” I just sighed and said, “Choose one, I can’t do both.”

The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic. It’s called the Plaguestation 5.

Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”

Never break someone’s heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.

What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children.

What did the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs say? “T. rex, I’m coming for my hug!”

The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, “Hey mister, it’s getting really dark and I’m scared.” The man replies, “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

Watching my daughter at the park earlier. Another parent asked “Which one’s yours?” Just for fun I said “I’m still choosing.” She looked horrified.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

What’s the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn’t beat cancer.

When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Did you hear about Pillsbury Doughboy? He died of a yeast infection.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a month-long quarantine, you probably should’ve seen a doctor long before COVID-19.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.

I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.

Just say NO to drugs! Well, If I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.

I have good and bad news, the doctor said to his patient. “Give me the good news first,” the patient said. “Your test results are back,” the doctor said, “and you have only two days to live.” “That’s the good news?” the patient exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?” “I’ve been trying to reach you for … Read more

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.

The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors.

What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can’t be found.

I washed my hands so much because of COVID-19 that my exam notes from 1995 resurfaced.

What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? Its butt.

A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”

I’m sorry and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. “She obviously has COVID,” my wife said. “Why?” I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, “Because she has no taste.”

Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face off in the corner.

What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. “Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

What’s the difference between a baby and a baked potato? About 140 calories.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.

What’s your name, son? The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!

I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.

If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!

I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”

What’s the difference between jelly and jam? You can’t jelly a clown into the tiny car.

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning. Being a sniper is awesome.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

I like to spend my weekends playing chess with old men in the park. It’s not easy. You try finding thirty-two old guys.