The lady janitor in my office building asked if I would hang out with her and smoke a joint. I told her “no, I can’t deal with high maintenance women.”
Mum: “Darling, what is your Christmas wish this year?” Daughter: “I would like to help people in need, I wish that Father Christmas would send some clothes to the all of the naked girls in dad’s computer.”
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine.
I distinctly remember my mother telling me, “I do not have a favourite child.” I found this extremely hard to take as a kid, mainly because I was an only child.
A son tells his father: “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says: “You know, you could do better.” Son: “Thanks Dad!” Father: “I was talking to your girlfriend.”