Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.
You’re American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you’re in the bathroom? European.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”
What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.
Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!
I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.
What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.
What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.
Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded.
I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
Sore throats are a pain in the neck.
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!
Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.
I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!
How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.
How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.
How do lawyers say goodbye? We’ll be suing ya!
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.
What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.
What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.