Funny sayings

A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

My relationship is like an iPad. I don’t have an iPad.

Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

To the guy who created imaginary numbers in Math: I hate you.

Got a new phone today, my old one failed the swimming test.

I’d take a nerf bullet for you.

Don’t ask me anything, and I won’t tell you any lies.

The ideal man doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist.

You are so fake, even China doesn’t want to be associated with you.

I’m so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign, and we played tic-tac-toe on top of it.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Smile today, tomorrow could be worse.

I love ordering things online because when they arrive it’s like a present from me to me.

The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it’s having the phone number of somebody who does!

The road to success is always under construction.

Listen, smile, agree.. Then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don’t have the film.

If I’m silent it’s because there’s thunder inside me. Or I’m just chilling, may the odds be in your favor.

What rhymes with zoo and smells bad? You.

Here, have a tissue. There’s still a bit of bullshit left on your mouth.

Don’t vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones in the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring so I go back to being myself.

More sports? Me? Why!? My blood already runs 75 miles a day.

A true optimist is the guy who falls off a skyscraper and after 50 floors thinks to himself – well, so far so good!

You’re born free, then you’re taxed to death.

Before my first cup of coffee I hate everybody. That doesn’t change after I’ve had that coffee, but it feels much better.

Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn’t stop the rain but allows us to keep going.

You can hide from cake. But cake can’t hide from you.

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.

I had loads to do today. Ah well, so now I have loads to do tomorrow.

Just you keep on talking, for sure someday you’ll say something intelligent.

Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.

I hate mosquitoes. I mean, I know I am delicious, but I don’t give out free samples.

I like to be an optimist. It pisses people off.

If you want someone who will listen to you every time, do everything you tell them to do, and always be there for you for better or for worse, get a dog.

Do you remember when I asked you to give me your opinion? That’s right, me neither.

Never test how deep the water is with both feet.

Fart when people hug you. You’ll make them feel strong.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

Finally, the spring is here! I’m so thrilled I wet my plants.

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, you better not be standing in her way.

Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.

I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven’t offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.

I am an example to others. A bad example.

A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

If someone says “Who are you gonna call?” and your instinct is to say “Ghostbusters” then I probably don’t want to know you.

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a “cell” phone.

If you see nothing you could be grateful for, check your pulse.

A good mood like is like a balloon, one prick is all it takes to ruin it.

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Every rule has an exception. This rule is no exception.

If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?

I’m not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.

Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones.

The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your card out of your wallet.

I don’t have bad handwriting, I’m just using my own font.

If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you’re a great big idiot.

Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence, after all intelligence has it’s limits.

Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.

It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the stairs and trip over nothing. I have those skills.

If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.

Two mysterious people live in my house. “Somebody” and “Nobody.” Somebody did it and nobody knows who.

Life is always rocky when you’re a gem.

A broad smile is a cooler way of showing your enemies that you have teeth.

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

Of course I can keep secrets. But the people I tell them to obviously can’t.

The first five days after the weekend are the toughest.

After millions of years of evolution, you’re kind of a disappointment.

Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Once I started to read between the lines, I realized that all books were really the same.

I wasn’t mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I’m mad.. yes, I’m mad!

Chocolate doesn’t ask any questions. Chocolate simply understands.

I have a new hair style today, it’s called “I tried.”

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.

If a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place.

I wake up looking better every day, but today I’m exaggerating.

Don’t be stupid, it might make you famous.

If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer…

If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer…

I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge.

There is no lousy weather, only lousy choice of clothing.

When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. That gives hope to quite a few people.

Dear unknown person. Please stop feeding the voodoo doll of me.

Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt, and preservatives, don’t open it. It’s spam

Now if you’ll excuse me… today’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.

I turned my phone on airplane mode and threw it in the air. Worst transformer ever.

Girls want a lot from one guy. On the other hand, a guy only wants one thing from a lot of girls.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo ingles.”

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious.

You can’t run through a campground. You can only “ran,” because it’s past tents.

You can’t have everything… where would you put it?

Come over to the dark side…we’ve got candy.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

If at first you don’t succeed, order some pizza.

Revenge sounds so mean, that’s why I prefer to call it “Returning the favor.”

If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 years, you can believe in yourself for 5 minutes.

You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother.

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.

I’m never late. The others are simply too early!

If I say “First of all,” run away, because I have prepared research, data, charts and I will totally prove you wrong.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

I’m pretty sure some people’s head is just a backup copy of their butt.

Change is inevitable, except from a parking meter.

I’m gonna order a pizza 5 minutes before the new year, then when it arrives I’ll say I ordered this last year.

It’s better to shut up and give the impression that you’re stupid than to say something and erase all doubt.

Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.

Dear automatic flushing toilet… I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn’t done yet.

I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

You’re never too old to do goofy stuff.

Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing!

Lead me not into temptation… Oh who am I kidding, follow me, I know a shortcut.

I’m not clumsy, The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies and the walls get in my way.

If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problem, but neither does milk.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest.

Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.

When you fall, I will be there to catch you – With love, the floor.

I hate it when I turn on the car in the morning and the music starts blasting… It’s like, woah, I’m not the same person I was last night.

When you have a hammer in your hand everything around you starts looking like a nail.

The older I get, the less surprised I’d be if a random body part just fell off one day.

To make a mistake is human, but to blame it on someone else, that’s even more human.

If you don’t like me, remember it’s mind over matter. I don’t mind and you don’t matter.

A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.

Today I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym.

Yes, the early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Funny that you can’t spell “slaughter” without “laughter.”

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

You can’t have everything, where would you put it?

I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.

Just because it’s called makeup, it doesn’t mean it should make up 100% of your face.

Somebody said today that I’m lazy. I nearly answered him.

It is important to make breaks between individual exercises. I personally stick to breaks of about 3-4 years.

If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it.

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

It may look like I’m doing nothing, but in my head I’m quite busy.

It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.

Money alone won’t make you happy. You’ve got to own it.

The password to your life is “Humor”.