Listen, smile, agree.. Then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don’t have the film.
If I’m silent it’s because there’s thunder inside me. Or I’m just chilling, may the odds be in your favor.
What rhymes with zoo and smells bad? You.
Here, have a tissue. There’s still a bit of bullshit left on your mouth.
Don’t vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones in the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
My relationship is like an iPad. I don’t have an iPad.
Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
To the guy who created imaginary numbers in Math: I hate you.
Got a new phone today, my old one failed the swimming test.
I’d take a nerf bullet for you.
Don’t ask me anything, and I won’t tell you any lies.
The ideal man doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist.
You are so fake, even China doesn’t want to be associated with you.
I’m so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign, and we played tic-tac-toe on top of it.
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.
Smile today, tomorrow could be worse.
I love ordering things online because when they arrive it’s like a present from me to me.
The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it’s having the phone number of somebody who does!
The road to success is always under construction.
If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?
I’m not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.