My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex. I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.
What is even worse than waking up after a party and finding a penis was drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest kids? Ask your mom!
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
The lady janitor in my office building asked if I would hang out with her and smoke a joint. I told her “no, I can’t deal with high maintenance women.”
Google is a woman because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before it makes suggestions.
Mum: “Darling, what is your Christmas wish this year?” Daughter: “I would like to help people in need, I wish that Father Christmas would send some clothes to the all of the naked girls in dad’s computer.”
Men vacuum the same way that they have sex with their wife. They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch.
A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What was David Bowie’s last hit? Probably heroin.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine.
Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold? Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth?
I refuse to buy love, but I do pay heavily for it.
Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn’t close his casket.
Just saw two zombies on a date… and they say romance is dead.
I don’t have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
I distinctly remember my mother telling me, “I do not have a favourite child.” I found this extremely hard to take as a kid, mainly because I was an only child.
Why are women like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken.
Why don’t orphans play baseball? — Because they don’t know where home is.
A son tells his father: “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says: “You know, you could do better.” Son: “Thanks Dad!” Father: “I was talking to your girlfriend.”
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for years? Church.
What do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates? A tearjerker.
You know what always catches my eye? Short people with umbrellas.