Why can’t dinosaurs laugh? Because they’re all dead.
How do you get a tissue to dance? You put a boogie in it.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What kind of music do mummies listen to? Wrap music.
How do you talk to giants? Use big words!
When is a dad officially a dad? When his jokes no longer get laughs.
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto
What came first, the chicken or the egg? Dinosaurs.
What does a dad joke sound like in space? As cringe as it sounds on earth.
What did one Frenchman say to the other? I don’t know, I don’t speak French.
Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties? Because they’re such fungis!
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty!
How do you confuse someone? Paint yourself green and throw forks at them.
What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips!
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account? PRIME-mates.
What can you catch from a vampire in winter-time? Frost-bite!
What do ghosts like to drink the most? Ghoul-ade!
Which hand is better to write with? Neither, it’s better to write with a pen.
Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all its problems.
How many lips does a flower have? Tu-lips.
Which superhero hits the most home runs? Batman
Why do wrappers need umbrellas? Fo’ drizzle.
What did the tired toilet say to the plunger? I’m flushed.
What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.
Do you know why I look like I can’t hear you? Because I can’t, my headphones are on.
What does a vampire take for a sore throat? Coffin drops.
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
Did you hear about the population of Ireland? It’s Dublin.
What washes up on really small beaches? Micro-waves.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the storm? He didn’t have any guts.
What is brown, sticky, and sometimes smelly? Mud.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What’s black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.
I’d never tell you a pizza joke. It’s way too cheesy.
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only one letter in it? An envelope.
How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
What do you call a pencil sharpener that can’t sharpen pencils? Broken.
What did one woman say to the other woman next to the coffee machine? Coffee looks good.
What’ the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? They have two left feet?
What do you call a nosy pepper? Jalapeno business!
A patient told the surgeon he couldn’t feel his legs. The surgeon replied, “I know. I amputated your arms.”
What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick
What’s green, red, orange, purple, blue, and yellow? Colors.
Someone stole my mood ring. I don’t know how I feel about that.