When I lose the TV controller, it’s always hidden in some remote destination.
I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 40. 40 kids is way too much by any standard.
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything goes wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.
I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
Why are eggs not very much into jokes? Because they could crack up.
A man drops his phone on a concrete floor. The phone is fine, no damage. How come? – He had it on airplane mode.
Why are you smiling? Well I just made a test and I’m not pregnant. That’s wonderful, Harold!
If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store free yet?
Life is a bit like soccer in a way. You can either use your head, or a good, swift kick.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems. But it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.’
You can’t fire me! Slaves can only be sold!!
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
It’s never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. You’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
I heard women love a man in uniform. Can’t wait to start working at McDonalds.
Famous last words of a postman: What a lovely dog you have!
Man to his wife: I’d never say you’re fat! You’re just a bit more visible.
I called the hospital but the line was dead.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.
I do say no to drugs. It’s just they’re not so good at listening.
That awkward moment when you enthusiastically try to tickle somebody who isn’t ticklish.
Meanwhile in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
My math teacher called me average. How mean!
Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
Barkeep: I’m sorry, we never serve time travelers. – A time traveler walks into a bar.
Need cheering up? Start a fight with somebody when they have the hiccoughs!
How many men were born in 2017? None. Only babies were born.
I heard that it is easier to find a girlfriend when you have things in common. – So girls, I like to breath.
Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 children are enough.
What is white and flies up? – A retarded snowflake
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Life’s like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it poops on your head.
I used to breed rabbits. Then I realized they can handle it themselves.
My wife accused me for being a transvestite – So I packed up her things and left.
One frog to the other: Oh man, it’s starting to rain. Let’s hop into the water before we get wet
It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time…’ A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this…’
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Man attempted to hijack a bus full of Japanese tourists. The police has 3756 photos of him.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.