Jokes one liners

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything goes wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.

I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.

Why are eggs not very much into jokes? Because they could crack up.

A man drops his phone on a concrete floor. The phone is fine, no damage. How come? – He had it on airplane mode.

Why are you smiling? Well I just made a test and I’m not pregnant. That’s wonderful, Harold!

If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store free yet?

When I lose the TV controller, it’s always hidden in some remote destination.

I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 40. 40 kids is way too much by any standard.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

My wife accused me for being a transvestite – So I packed up her things and left.

One frog to the other: Oh man, it’s starting to rain. Let’s hop into the water before we get wet

It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time…’ A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this…’

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Man attempted to hijack a bus full of Japanese tourists. The police has 3756 photos of him.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I stole my friend’s wheelchair. Guess who is comes crawling back to me?!

The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.

Feeling pretty proud of myself. The puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.