Silly jokes

How do you stop a bull from charging? You take away it’s credit card!

Why did the king go to the bathroom? He wanted to sit on the throne.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.

What’s the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.

Why did Mickey Mouse fly to space? Because he wanted to find Pluto!

Where do bees stop for bathroom breaks? BP stations.

What did the plate say to the plate next to him? Dinner is on me.

What did the wolf say when it stubbed its toe? “Owwwww-ch!”

How does a squid go into battle? Well-armed.

Why are frogs always happy? Because they eat whatever bug them

What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s got little legs.

Who won the race of princesses? Rapunzel, by a hair!

Why do bees always have sticky hair? They use honeycombs.

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.

What do pickles do on their day off? They relish it.

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses in class? Because his students were so bright!

Why flamingos stand on one leg? Because they would fall if they lifted both legs!!

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things so literally.

Why do porcupines win every game? They have the most points!

What did the judge say to the skunk? Odor in the court!

What did one pencil say to another pencil? You are looking sharp!

Name a bow that can’t be tied. A Rainbow

What falls often in winter but never gets hurt? Snow

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Why don’t teddy bears eat dessert? Because they are already stuffed!

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.

What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park your car, man.

What has four wheels and flies? A Garbage truck

What did the swordfish say to the marlin? You’re looking sharp.

What do you say to someone trying to steal your cheese? That’s nacho cheese!

Why was the strawberry crying? Because she was in a jam!

What is the only kind of poo that is not smelly? A sham-POO!

Why did the baby cross the road? To get to the whine shop!

What happens when you put a root beer in a square glass? It just becomes beer.

What do the elves learn at school? The ELF-abet!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

What do you call a rabbit with lice? Bugs Bunny.

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? He didn’t have the guts.

Why is it so windy inside an arena? All those fans.

A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, “I want a grilled…cheese.” The waiter says, “What’s with the pause?” “Whaddya mean?” the bear replies. “I’m a bear!”

I used to be addicted to soap. But I’m clean now.

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.

What are ten things you can always count on? Your fingers.

How do you throw a great party in space? You planet!

What does a spider’s bride wear? A webbing dress.

What is a zombie’s favourite thing to eat? Brain food.

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it!

What animal do you always see at baseball games? A bat.

How do you turn light chocolate into dark chocolate? By turning the lights off!