Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.
Kategorie: Englische Witze
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…”
What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it!
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
How do you drown a hipster? Throw him in the mainstream.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? Because she threw away all the ‘w’s!
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What’s green and smells like pork? Kermit’s fingers.
How does Moses make tea? He brews.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two…. but I don’t know how they got in there.
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef stroganoff.
What do you have when you have two little green balls in the palm of your hand?? Answer: Kermit’s undivided attention!
What did one snowman say to the other? Nice balls.
Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? He was looking for a tight seal!
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
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