Dear automatic flushing…

When you’re just too socially awkward for real life, Instagram welcomes you with open arms.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and...

Q: Why should you never give a blonde a coffee break? A: It takes far too long to retrain her.

Did you hear about the mediocre restaurant on the moon? It has great food but no atmosphere.

The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it's having the phone number of somebody who does!