2.599 jokes (unsorted)

Jokes (unsorted)

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On a scale…

On a scale…

On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m a 15.
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If you c4n…

If you c4n…

If you c4n r34d 7h15, you r34lly n33d 2 g37 l41d.
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I probably can’t…

I probably can’t…

I probably can’t fix it, but I can definitely f*ck it up.
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Time flies after…

Time flies after…

Time flies after you hit the snooze button.
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I’m not…

I’m not…

I’m not smart. I just wear glasses.
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If Cinderella’s…

If Cinderella’s…

If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off in the first place?
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The main reason…

The main reason…

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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Of course, I…

Of course, I…

Of course, I talk to myself! Where else would I get professional advice?
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Women are never…

Women are never…

Women are never fat, it is their love that grows from within.
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I might look…

I might look…

I might look like I’m doing nothing, but in my head, I’m quite busy.
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Words cannot express…

Words cannot express…

Words cannot express my passion and love for Fridays
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Life always offers…

Life always offers…

Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow.
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I apologize for…

I apologize for…

I apologize for anything I post while hungry.
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Wine is always…

Wine is always…

Wine is always the answer. What was the question again?
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My bed is…

My bed is…

My bed is a magical place I suddenly remember everything I had to do.
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Be You Till…

Be You Till…

Be You Till Full.
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If you can…

If you can…

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
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Someday, there’s going…

Someday, there’s going…

Someday, there’s going to be an updated version of me.
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Gifted nap…

Gifted nap…

Gifted napper.
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I need a…

I need a…

I need a six month holiday, twice a year.
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Smile while you…

Smile while you…

Smile while you still have teeth.
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The past, the…

The past, the…

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar… it was tense.
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Enjoy at least…

Enjoy at least…

Enjoy at least one sunset per day!
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I used to…

I used to…

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I am not so sure.
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After Tuesdays, even…

After Tuesdays, even…

After Tuesdays, even the calendar goes WTF.
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Without me, it…

Without me, it…

Without me, it would just be aweso.
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I want vitamin…

I want vitamin…

I want vitamin U
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It takes patience…

It takes patience…

It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
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I just want…

I just want…

I just want to jump out of the window and land on a huge pile of dessert.
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I wonder what…

I wonder what…

I wonder what happens when the doctor’s wife eats an apple a day…
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There is maybe…

There is maybe…

There is maybe no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
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Living proof that…

Living proof that…

Living proof that pobody’s nerfect.
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Gifted napper, talker…

Gifted napper, talker…

Gifted napper, talker, and ice cream eater.
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You drink too…

You drink too…

You drink too much and gossip too much. Let’s be friends.
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I don’t…

I don’t…

I don’t sweat—I sparkle.
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Time is valuable…

Time is valuable…

Time is valuable. Don’t waste it reading my Instagram bio.
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My teachers told…

My teachers told…

My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”
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What do you…

What do you…

What do you mean I’m not a bear? I have all of the koalafications!
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If you’re a…

If you’re a…

If you’re a mosquito, unfollow me right now.
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The truth will…

The truth will…

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
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Why do I…

Why do I…

Why do I smile? Because I absolutely have no idea what’s happening.
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What I do…

What I do…

What I do is considered normal in some cultures.
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I don’t…

I don’t…

I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband!
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My mind’s all…

My mind’s all…

My mind’s all made up. Please stop confusing me with the facts.
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God’s creativity knows…

God’s creativity knows…

God’s creativity knows no bounds. I mean, just look at me!
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My favorite extreme…

My favorite extreme…

My favorite extreme sport is avoiding people.
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Ah, I just…

Ah, I just…

Ah, I just love the whooshing sound that deadlines make as they fly by.
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Weirdness is a…

Weirdness is a…

Weirdness is a proven side effect of awesomeness.
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So what if…

So what if…

So what if I can’t sing? I’ll sing anyway.
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Brains are awesome…

Brains are awesome…

Brains are awesome. I wish everybody would have one!
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