Blonde Jokes

A blonde, a fat brunette, and a skinny redhead find a magic mirror. If you lie to the mirror you die. The redhead says, „I look fat,“ and dies. The brunette says, “ I look skinny,“ and dies. The blonde says, „I think…“ and dies.

Q: Why does the blonde have the biggest breasts in the third grade? A: Because she’s 21.

Q: How are U.F.Os and smart Blondes in common? A: You keep hearing about them but you never see them!

A blonde’s neighbor’s house was on fire so she called 911. The blonde told the operator, „My neighbor’s house is on fire!“ The operator asked, „Where are you?“ The blonde answered, „At my house.“ The operator replied, „No, I’m asking how do we get there?“ The blonde said, „In a firetruck, duh!“

Q: What is the best blonde secretary? A: One that never misses a period.

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, „It’s dark in here isn’t it?“ The other replied, „I don’t know; I can’t see.“

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. “You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

What do you call an intelligent blonde? A golden retriever!

What is the first thing that a blonde always does in the morning? Goes home.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband’s car? A: She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe.

Blonde: „What is the second to last letter of the alphabet?“ Redhead: „Y.“ Blonde: „Because I want to know. Why do you have to question everything?!“

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy? A: Write „please flip over“ on a piece of paper and give it to her.

Why do blondes drive BMWs? Because they can spell it.

A police officer sees a blonde woman crying under a street lamp on the sidewalk. He asks her what’s wrong and if there’s anything he can do to help. The blonde replies, „I lost my wedding ring.“ The officer asks, „Okay, where did you drop it?“ The blonde says, „About a block away, but the light is better here.“

What do you get when you line up 5 blondes side by side? A wind tunnel.

Q: How did the Blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her

Q: What do you call a Blonde skeleton in the closet? A: Last year’s hide and seek champ

Three blondes walk into a building. You’d think at least one of them would’ve seen it.

A blonde walks into a bar and asks the bartender, „What do you have on tap?“ He replies, „Anheuser-Busch“ (And-how’s-your bush). She says, „Just fine. How’s your penis?“

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, „Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?“ She leaned over the counter and said, „Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.“

Did you hear about the near‑tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage and eight blondes were stuck on the escalators for more than four hours.

A blonde is driving down a countryside road when she sees another blonde in a rowboat trying to row her way through a field. The blonde in the car yells out „it is blondes like you that give us a bad name and I would come over there and give you a piece of my mind if i could swim.

What do blondes do when their laptop freezes? Microwave them.

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, „I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals.“ One of the guys, of course, said, „I don’t believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?“ „N,“ she answered.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours? A: Because it said ‚concentrate‘

Two blondes walk beside each other down the street. One of them sees a broken piece of mirror on the ground, grabs it, looks at it and says, „This girl looks so familiar, but I can’t remember where I know her from.“ The other girl grabs it from her hand, takes a look at it, and says, „It’s me you idiot!“

Q: Why was the blonde’s belly button sore? A: Her boyfriend was blonde too.

How can you tell if a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? there are m&m shells all over the kitchen floor.

I knew a blonde that was so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?? She threw it off a cliff.

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, „I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.“

A science teacher tells his class, „Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773.“ A blonde student responds, „Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it.“

A blonde crashed a helicopter. When the police officer asked why, she said, „It got chilly in here, so I turned off the fan.“

Why didn’t 19 blondes go into a bar? The sign said 21+.

What did the blonde say when she saw a box of Cheerios? „Wow! Doughnut seeds!“

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, „Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes…“

Three blondes had boyfriends all named John and they kept getting confused. They decided to name them after sodas. The first girl said, „I’ll call mine 7 Up, because he’s seven inches and he’s always up.“ The next girl said, „I’ll call mine Mountain Dew, because he mounts me and knows exactly what to do.“ The last girl goes, „I’ll call mine Jack Daniels.“ The other girls yelled at her and said, „That’s not a soda! That’s a hard licker!“

Why did the blonde like lightening? She thought someone was taking a picture of her.

Q: What is five miles long and has an IQ of 40? A: A parade of blonde’s.

Why did the blonde put lipstick on above her eyebrows? She was trying to make up her mind.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

What did the blonde say when the doctor told her that she was pregnant? „I hope it is mine“

A blonde goes to a soda machine. She puts in a dollar and gets a soda. She does this again and again. A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long. She says, „Can’t you see I’m winning?“

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.

Two blondes were walking down the sidewalk. The first blonde said, „Hey, look at that dog with one eye,“ so the second blonde covered up one eye.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They run into an old barn and hide in potato sacks. The officer chasing them walks into the barn looking for them. He kicks the first sack with the redhead inside and the redhead says, „Woof woof!“ The cop thinks it’s a dog, so he walks to the next one. He kicks the second bag with the brunette, and she says, „Meow meow!“ The cop believes it’s a cat and moves on. He kicks the third bag with the blonde, and the blonde yells, „Potato potato!“

A truck driver was driving between towns on a country road when he spotted a gorgeous blonde hitchhiking. He stopped without hesitation and she climbed into the cab showing mountains of cleavage. Two miles further down the road, he got a flat, pulled to the side of the road and got out to inspect the tire. He was fiddling around with the wheel, when the blonde opened the window and shouted down, „Do you want a screwdriver?“ The driver replied, all smiles, „Might as well. I can’t get this fucking hub cap off.“

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, „Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?“ The blonde said, „I’m sorry sir, but wherever I go, there’s always a tree in front of me and I can’t seem to get away from it!“ The cop looked at her and said, „Ma’am, that’s your air freshener!“

A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend’s dandruff problem. The redhead says, „Why don’t you give him Head and Shoulders?“ The blonde replies, „How do you give shoulders?“

Q: What do dim lamps and blondes have in common? A: They both tend to be hot, but not too bright.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

A blonde woman decides that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, „For best results, put on two coats.“

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench. One blonde says to the other, „Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?“ The other blonde says, „Well, you can’t see Florida…“

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short? A: So brunettes can remember them.

How do you get a one handed blonde down from a tree? Wave at her.

What do you call a blonde with a brain? A golden retriever.

I was at school when a blonde student asked me what letter comes after „X“ in the alphabet. I replied „Y“. She then got mad, called me a prick and said „because I need to know that is why“.

Blonde: Today must be Sunday. Brunette: Why? Blonde: Because the sun is up.

How come it takes so long to build a blonde snowman? Because you have to hollow out the head.

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde driver and says, „You failed to stop at the red light. Let me see your driver’s licence.“ The blonde asks, „What does that look like?“ The blonde cop answers, „It is rectangular and has your picture on it.“ The blonde looks around inside her purse and mistakes her mirror for the license. When she hands it to the blonde officer, he looks at it and replies, „Oh, I didn’t know you were also an officer. You can go!“

Q: Why were there 17 blondes standing outside the pub? A: Because the sign said you have to be 18 to enter.

A blonde calls an airline and asks, „How long are your flights from America to the U.K.?“ The woman on the other end of the phone says, „Just a minute…“ The blonde says, „Thanks!“ and hangs up the phone.

Why couldn’t the blonde write the number 11? She couldn’t figure out which number came first.

How do you keep at blonde at home? You build a circular driveway.

How can you make a blonde go to the roof? Tell her that drinks are on the house.

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don’t, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, „I’ll get off.“ The blondes, all moved by the brunette’s speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

A police officer sees a blonde woman driving and knitting at the same time. Exasperated, he drives up next to her and screams out the window, „Pull over!“ The blonde responds, „No Silly, it’s a scarf.“

Q: How do you make a Blonde’s eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in her ear

A blonde goes to her doctor and says that every time she drinks a coffee her eye hurts. The doctor prepared her a hot, fresh cup of coffee to see what really happens. She took a sip of the coffee and screamed, „Ouch, that hurts!“ The doctor said, „I know your problem.“ The blonde asked, „Is it bad, doctor?“ The doctor replied, „No, you just need to take your spoon out of your cup before you drink your coffee.“

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been sighted.

There’s a blond and a brunette in a car. The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat. They’re going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don’t work. The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don’t work and they will drive off the side of the cliff because they failed to stop. The blonde then replies, „Don’t worry! There’s a stop sign ahead.“

Q: Why did the blonde put water on her computer? A: To wash the Windows.

Q: Why couldn’t the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator? A: She couldn’t find the „10“ button.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? I wonder if it’s mine.

Why did the blonde put her iPad in a blender? Because she wanted to make apple juice.

Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!!

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted.

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat. „No!“ yells the blonde. Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again. „For the last time, no!“ says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, „Well, why the hell not?“ The blonde says, „Because I wanna stay up here with you!“

How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a circle and tell her to go to the corner.

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, „Awwww, I wish my friends were here.“

A brunette, redhead, and blonde are stranded on the edge of a cliff. An angel appears and instructs them to jump off the cliff and say out loud what they would like to land on safely. The brunette goes first. She jumps and says, „Pillows!“ She lands on a pile of pillows at the bottom. The redhead goes next. She jumps and says „Feathers!“ She lands on a mass of feathers below. The blonde walks up to the edge, but trips on a rock, yelling, „Shit!“ as she falls off.

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are driving in a truck. The brunette and redhead are in the cab and the blonde is in the back. They accidentally drive off a bridge into water. The brunette and redhead get out and swim to the surface and wait for the blonde. After a few minutes the blonde surfaces and the other two ask, „What took so long?“ The blonde replies, „I couldn’t get the tailgate down.“

Redhead: „You ever smelled moth balls?“ Blonde: „Yes, I think they smell good.“ Redhead: „Wow, I can’t believe you got your nose between those tiny legs.“

Q: How do you get a blond on the roof? A: You tell her the food is on the house.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. „Hey girls,“ says the brunette, „Let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.“ The next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. „That was fun,“ says the brunette. „We should do it again sometime.“ „No way,“ says the blonde. „I almost got caught!“

Q: Why did the Blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills

Did you hear about the blonde that got excited? She finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months, when the box said, „two to four years.“

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? A: To keep their ankles warm.

Q: Why did the blonde keep doing backstroke? A: She had just eaten lunch and didn’t want to swim on a full stomach.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. „Oh, I really liked it,“ she replied, „especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.“ Dumbfounded, her date asked, „What do you mean?“ „Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‚Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!‘ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!“