Dirty Jokes

Men vacuum the same way that they have sex with their wife. They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch.

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex. I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

Mum: „Darling, what is your Christmas wish this year?“ Daughter: „I would like to help people in need, I wish that Father Christmas would send some clothes to the all of the naked girls in dad’s computer.“

What is even worse than waking up after a party and finding a penis was drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.

Sorry, there is no offensive jokes about cows. Why? They all have been re-mooh-ved.

Last time a woman saw me naked for the first time, she screamed and ran out of the park.

​What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for years? Church.

Why are women like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken.

You know what always catches my eye? Short people with umbrellas.

What was David Bowie’s last hit? Probably heroin.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine.

Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn’t close his casket.

I don’t have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

I distinctly remember my mother telling me, „I do not have a favourite child.“ I found this extremely hard to take as a kid, mainly because I was an only child.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

What do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates? A tearjerker.

I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

What comes after 69? Mouthwash.

When my girlfriend dumped me, I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

What is the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

Governments are only legalizing gay marriage so they stop having sex.

Buy a man a plane ticket and he will fly for hours, push a man out of a plane while it is in the sky and he will fly for the rest of his life.

What do you call a nanny with breast implants? A faux-pair.

I went to a meeting yesterday at my premature ejaculators’ support group. Turns out it’s tomorrow.

How is virginity like a soap bubble? One prick and it is gone forever.

I’ll never forget my grandma’s last words: „What are you doing in here with that hammer?“

What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate? A liar.

My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11. Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.

I was at the dentist the other day and he says to me „this might sting a little bit, are you prepared?“ I said „yes“. He then went on to say „I am sleeping with your wife.“

An old married couple are in church service on sunday. The elderly lady leans over to her husband and whispers “I just let go a really long, silent fart. What should I do?” The husband looks back at her and says „change the battery on your hearing aid“.

What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common? Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.

“I am” is supposedly the shortest sentence in the English language. “I do” is the longest sentence.

My grief counselor died last week. She was so good, I don’t even care.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I got her an identical one. Now she has two dead dogs.

Why did the snowman suddenly smile? He could see the snowblower coming.

My Grandpa complained, “Your generation is hooked on technology!” I replied, “No, Pops, it’s YOUR generation that’s hooked!” Then I unplugged his life support.

I added Paul walker on Xbox. But he spends all his time on the dashboard.

Husband: “Fancy a quickie.” Wife: “As opposed to what?”

I don’t know why blind people get so upset by my jokes. I don’t see deaf people complaining…. Come to think of it, blind people don’t see deaf people complaining, either.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said „yes, the others were all 8’s and 9’s outta 10.“

My ex-girlfriend used to own a parrot. That thing never shut up… but the parrot was cool.

What is the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the painting.

A common male fantasy is to have two women at the same time; one to cook, one to clean.

What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees.

I saw a dildo for sale described as “nine inches long and realistic.” I thought: Which is it?

What is the best part of a blowjob? Ten minutes of peace and quiet.

The ex-girlfriends walks up to her ex-boyfriend. She says: “What is the difference between a joke and two dicks? I can’t take a joke.“

Yo mama so short when she smokes weed, she cant even get high.

Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her… so I said yes.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? „How the hell do you breath and drink out of that small thing?“

A son tells his father: “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says: “You know, you could do better.” Son: “Thanks Dad!” Father: “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

​What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for years? Church.

Last time a woman saw me naked for the first time, she screamed and ran out of the park.

How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What was David Bowie’s last hit? Probably heroin.

Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold? Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth?

I refuse to buy love, but I do pay heavily for it.

When my girlfriend dumped me, I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

The couple next door recently made a sex tape. They just don’t know it yet.

Buy a man a plane ticket and he will fly for hours, push a man out of a plane while it is in the sky and he will fly for the rest of his life.

What’s the difference between love and herpes? — Love doesn’t last forever.

I went to a meeting yesterday at my premature ejaculators’ support group. Turns out it’s tomorrow.

Where did Lucy go after the bombing? Everywhere.

What comes after 69? Mouthwash.

What do you get if you cross Bananarama with a vibrator? Wet wet wet.

What is the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

What’s brown and really bad for your dental health? A baseball bat.

I was at the dentist the other day and he says to me „this might sting a little bit, are you prepared?“ I said „yes“. He then went on to say „I am sleeping with your wife.“

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison? Because you know he is actually guilty.

Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her.

Real men don’t wear pink… They eat it.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said „yes, the others were all 8’s and 9’s outta 10.“

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

What is the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the painting.

Husband: “Fancy a quickie.” Wife: “As opposed to what?”

I added Paul walker on Xbox. But he spends all his time on the dashboard.

Why did the snowman suddenly smile? He could see the snowblower coming.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I got her an identical one. Now she has two dead dogs.

My grief counselor died last week. She was so good, I don’t even care.

What’s a 6.9? Another great thing screwed up by a period.

What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common? Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.

My Grandpa complained, “Your generation is hooked on technology!” I replied, “No, Pops, it’s YOUR generation that’s hooked!” Then I unplugged his life support.

Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.

Someone asked the other day how you spell “scrotum”, I replied ” you should have asked me last night as it was on the tip of my tongue”

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

What do you call a man who is crying while pleasuring himself? A tear-jerker.

By making marijuana and same sex marriage legal, we can finally make sense of what the bible is saying. A man who lays with another man should be stoned.

What do women and Nvidia have in common? They both do not make very good drivers

What does tofu and a dildo have in common? They’re both meat substitutes.

What is the best thing to do if your partner starts smoking in bed? Slow down, you are moving too fast.

I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.

What is this new 72 position I heard about? 69 with three people watching.

What is the best part of a blowjob? Ten minutes of peace and quiet.

How do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students? A PDF file

I asked my doctor for advice on how to lose weight. He said „Don’t eat anything fatty.“ I said „Thanks“ He said „you are welcome fatty.“

Having sex in an elevator is wrong. On so many levels

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records, but then the librarian told me to take it out.

Why do women always have sex with the lights off? Because they never like to see a man having a good time.

What did the banana say to the vibrator? „Why are you shaking? She’s going to eat me!“

Why are women like KFC? After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

What do you call a deaf gynecologist? A lip reader.