Dirty Jokes

Mum: „Darling, what is your Christmas wish this year?“ Daughter: „I would like to help people in need, I wish that Father Christmas would send some clothes to the all of the naked girls in dad’s computer.“

Men vacuum the same way that they have sex with their wife. They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch.

What is even worse than waking up after a party and finding a penis was drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex. I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine.

Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn’t close his casket.

I don’t have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

I distinctly remember my mother telling me, „I do not have a favourite child.“ I found this extremely hard to take as a kid, mainly because I was an only child.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

What do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates? A tearjerker.

You know what always catches my eye? Short people with umbrellas.

Sorry, there is no offensive jokes about cows. Why? They all have been re-mooh-ved.

Last time a woman saw me naked for the first time, she screamed and ran out of the park.

​What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for years? Church.

Why are women like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken.

What was David Bowie’s last hit? Probably heroin.

I went to a meeting yesterday at my premature ejaculators’ support group. Turns out it’s tomorrow.

How is virginity like a soap bubble? One prick and it is gone forever.

I’ll never forget my grandma’s last words: „What are you doing in here with that hammer?“

What comes after 69? Mouthwash.

What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate? A liar.

When my girlfriend dumped me, I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11. Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.

I was at the dentist the other day and he says to me „this might sting a little bit, are you prepared?“ I said „yes“. He then went on to say „I am sleeping with your wife.“

I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

Buy a man a plane ticket and he will fly for hours, push a man out of a plane while it is in the sky and he will fly for the rest of his life.

What is the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

Governments are only legalizing gay marriage so they stop having sex.

What do you call a nanny with breast implants? A faux-pair.

My Grandpa complained, “Your generation is hooked on technology!” I replied, “No, Pops, it’s YOUR generation that’s hooked!” Then I unplugged his life support.

An old married couple are in church service on sunday. The elderly lady leans over to her husband and whispers “I just let go a really long, silent fart. What should I do?” The husband looks back at her and says „change the battery on your hearing aid“.

What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common? Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.

I don’t know why blind people get so upset by my jokes. I don’t see deaf people complaining…. Come to think of it, blind people don’t see deaf people complaining, either.

“I am” is supposedly the shortest sentence in the English language. “I do” is the longest sentence.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said „yes, the others were all 8’s and 9’s outta 10.“

My grief counselor died last week. She was so good, I don’t even care.

My ex-girlfriend used to own a parrot. That thing never shut up… but the parrot was cool.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I got her an identical one. Now she has two dead dogs.

What is the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the painting.

Why did the snowman suddenly smile? He could see the snowblower coming.

I added Paul walker on Xbox. But he spends all his time on the dashboard.

Husband: “Fancy a quickie.” Wife: “As opposed to what?”

What does tofu and a dildo have in common? They’re both meat substitutes.

What is the best thing to do if your partner starts smoking in bed? Slow down, you are moving too fast.

What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees.

I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.

What is the best part of a blowjob? Ten minutes of peace and quiet.

The ex-girlfriends walks up to her ex-boyfriend. She says: “What is the difference between a joke and two dicks? I can’t take a joke.“

Yo mama so short when she smokes weed, she cant even get high.

A common male fantasy is to have two women at the same time; one to cook, one to clean.