Dad Jokes

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.

Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.

Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur’s roundtable? Sir Cumference.

What is the contour integral around Africa? Zero, all the Poles are in Europe

What do group theorists hang on their door at Christmas? Wreath products.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.

What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.

Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the ’no-bell‘ prize.

Sore throats are a pain in the neck.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!

I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”

What’s black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record. But I love their greatest hits!

What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing—they fast.

The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.