Dad Jokes

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.

Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.

Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur’s roundtable? Sir Cumference.

What is the contour integral around Africa? Zero, all the Poles are in Europe

What do group theorists hang on their door at Christmas? Wreath products.

Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.

Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.

What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.

Sore throats are a pain in the neck.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!

I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record. But I love their greatest hits!

What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

What’s black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.

What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.

What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing—they fast.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.

Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.

Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.

I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!

How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.

Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan.

Can February March? No, but April May!

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.

I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it’s just a bug going around.

I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.

What did the accountant say while auditing a document? This is taxing.

What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.

What do you call a mac ‘n’ cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!