Funny Sayings

Guilty as charged! My hotness caused global warming.

My compliments come out like ridicules.

Eat right. Stay in shape. Die anyway.

Behind every successful woman are her dreams to rule the world.

When you are downie, eat a brownie.

There are two kinds of people in this world. I don’t like both of them.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

When nothing goes right, go left.

ETC. End of Thinking Capacity.

Don’t give up on your dreams. keep sleeping.

They say don’t try this at home…so I went to my friend’s home!

If there would be an award for being lazy, I would send someone to pick it up for me.

I’m in desperate need of a 6 month vacation… Twice a year.

I am not fat. I’m just much easier to see.

I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean but people always think I’m joking.

Decency is my jewel.

I prefer my puns intended.

How much does a hippie weigh? An Instagram!

I am dating anyone who hearts my status, that is what the hearts are meant for.

The whole universe triggers my allergies.

Leave a little sparkle wherever you go.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it!

Smack yourself on the ass and own the day.

So many nail polishes, not enough fingers.

Yes, of course, I am athletic… I surf the Internet every day.

When it comes to ice cream, resistance is futile.

Relationship status: Netflix and ice cream.

My bed is a magical place, I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

Too rad to be sad.

Some things are better left incoherent.

Don’t tell anyone, but I’m a ninja.

Don’t call me crazy! I prefer the term mentally hilarious.

The only reason I am fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality.

No idea how many issues I have because math is one of them.

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

I am a combo of sweet and spice.

You’re checking my Instagram again, aren’t you?

I followed a diet but it didn’t follow me back, so I unfollowed it.

When life gives you lemons, use them to make your skin glow.

BAE: Bacon And Eggs.

I’m a social media guru. No, really, I am.

Recovering ice cream addict.

How do I feel when there is no coffee? Depresso.

Every woman is an angel, you only need to take her to heaven.

Meh is the new normal.

Bad choices make good stories.

Everyone has me figured out, which makes it super easy for me.

I was a different person when I started typing this. Allow me to reintroduce myself.

I wasn’t kissing her; I was whispering in her mouth.

Last name Ever, first name Greatest.

Death by chocolate seems like such a tasty way to go.

Speak English. Kiss French. Dress Italian. Spend Arab. Party Caribbean.

Practice makes man perfect if it’s done in better way

Proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.

Ever since my parents told me not to talk to strangers, I haven’t talked to myself.

Just having theoretical knowledge won’t make you genius

Born at a very young age.

I told the doctor that I’d broken my arm in several places. He said not to go to those places.

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

Why are you here? Don’t you have sh*t to do?

If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it’s because I’ve already done it.

I’m in desperate need of a 6-month vacation…twice a year.

Sarcasm connoisseur.

You see the follow button? I’d tap that!

Crowded elevators smell different to short people.

Keeping secrets is totally easy for me. However, this ain’t the case for the people I tell them to.

Be a cupcake in a world of muffins.

A true master of the art of being handful.

IF y0u c4n r34d 7H15, y0u r34lLy n33d 2 g37 l41d.

I don’t think inside the box and I don’t think outside the box… I don’t even know where the box is.

I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome!

My left hand has never touched my left elbow.

Born at an exceptionally young age.

Chocolate never asks questions. Chocolate understands.

Lies I tell myself: Just one more cookie. Just one more movie. Just one more minute. Yet…I wouldn’t call them lies!

My last words will be “I left a million dollars under the…”

Here to worship cats.

This Instagram account ain’t gonna follow itself, no?

Tacos won’t break your heart.

All of my puns are intended.

They say: Do what you love and the money will come to you. Just ordered pizza, now I am waiting…

Confidence level: Kanye West.

Throwing shade like confetti.

I’d rather steal your dessert than your boyfriend

All I require is constant attention and snacks.

One day, I hope to become a grown up

I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

Teenage years don’t really end until the early thirties.

A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it.

People should fall in love with their eyes closed.

Catch flights, not feelings.

Don’t sweat the petty stuff. And definitely don’t pet the sweaty stuff.

I’m on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it. Happy girls are the prettiest.

Avoid following the masses blindly. Every so often, the “m” in “masses” is silent.

Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.

Knock knock, you can’t park your profile here

Long story short, humanity is good for a laugh if nothing else.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

Happiness is a new lipstick.

A fine piece of procrastination.

I’m not special, I’m just limited edition.

God looked at the boring hairstyle of Adam and said, “Let’s create someone with a more creative head”.

Like a grocery cart with a wonky wheel, I never know in what direction I’m going.

Just another no one saying nothing.

When someone has a problem with me, I totally agree.

Wine + dinner = winner

If your dreams appear impossible, there is a wrong man in your life.

If everyone on Earth joined hands around the equator, many of them would drown.

I’m just having an allergic reaction to the universe.

Set your pockets free. Gimme all your money.

I am a ninja. No, you are not. Did you see me do that? Do what? Exactly.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

When I tried the 30-day weight loss diet, I lost 30 days!

Always unreliable, easily distracted.

I am actually quite a nice person. Until you piss me off!

Let’s commit the perfect crime. I’ll steal your heart and you’ll steal mine.

Do I run? Yes… Out of time, patients and money.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But that gets boring really fast. So I go back to being normal!

Sure, I do marathons. On Netflix.

Everyone on this earth is self-centered, the difference is the radius.

Life is too short to be updating Instagram bios.

This bio can’t handle me. I’m too many characters.

Whenever I have a problem, I just sing, then I realize my voice is worse than my problem.

The fridge is a clear example that what matters is on the inside.

You’re a 10, on the pH scale… Cuz you’re basic.

Romance is the icing, but love is the cake.

Being alive is being offline.

Sassy, classy with a touch of badassy

I like hashtags because they look like waffles.

One day, I hope to become a grown up.

I’m so poor that I can’t pay attention in class.

On the pH scale, you’re a 14 because you’re super basic!

Can’t seem to recall where I stole this bio from or why.

The most beautiful hair is a brilliant mind.

Life is short so I’m smiling while I’ve still got all my teeth

If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?

I would kill for a Nobel Peace Price!

Living is stupid and I want to sleep.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

Don’t get a woman, get a dog… They are loyal and they die sooner.

Saying no to alcohol is a daily routine for me. It never listens, though!

It’s very difficult to be great. Losers prove this point continuously.

My laziness is like the number 8. Once I lie down, it’s infinite!

Don’t worry if plan A fails; there are twenty-five other letters in the alphabet.

Dear sleep: thanks for trying, but you can’t beat surfing the net.

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A may-bee… I’m a maybe.

Bacon would probably cost less if we could slice it with lasers.

Love is just love. No matter how much you want to explain it, love will always remain a mystery until you experience it.

I talk like a baby and I never pay for drinks.

We’re all on the highway to hell, and I’m driving.

The problem is, you think you’re smart

Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes.

You can’t fix stupid, no matter how much duct tape you use over the mouth!

If I could sum up my life in one line I would die of embarrassment.

I put the “hot” in “psychotic.”

I wish my wallet came with free refills.

I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle… He’s dreaming too.

I am not lazy, I am just on save energy mode.

Be a Warrior not a Worrier.

If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.

It’s okay to be a glow stick; sometimes we need to break before we shine.

I don’t care what people think of me. Mosquitos find me attractive!

Good girls go to heaven when they die only to find that all handsome angels are taken by beautiful girls.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Don’t interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you’ll hear some crosswords.

Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.

The road to success always seems to be under construction.

Putting quotes in bios is stupid.

Grandma and grandpa will be just how our love story will unfold. Romeo and Juliet never got to grow old together.

I am on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it!

I don’t need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new style of hair every morning!

Later is the best time to do anything.

The older I get, the more everyone can kiss my ass.

One person’s LOL is another person’s WTF.

Day 1000 on Instagram, and I’m still not rich.

I like big cups and I cannot lie.

Inner beauty needs no makeup.

If a dentist makes their money from unhealthy teeth, why would I trust a product 4/5 of them recommend?

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

My thoughts are so deep even the ocean gets jealous.

Pirates don’t do homework.

For today, I’m thinking breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Even I don’t believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in five minutes.

Used to think I was a tad indecisive, but now I’m not quite sure.

Save paper, don’t do homework.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.