Jokes (unsorted)

Going to bed early. Not going to a party. Not leaving my house. My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.

Recovering ice cream addict

An evolutionary mass of atoms whose sole instinct is survival.

Never judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. By that time, they’ll be a mile away and barefoot.

Don’t worry, Beyonce.

People call me Sara but you can call me tonight

A lie is just a great story ruined by truth.

My hobbies are breakfast, lunch, and dinner topped with a chocolate dessert.

Eat+Shit+Die=Perfection

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

If you got eyes, look at me now.

There’s no better reunion like that of a man and his long-lost pair of socks

I feel I am the undiscovered supermodel.

There will be no adulting today.

A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.

Real-life me isn’t any less ridiculous . . . in case you weren’t wondering.

I eat cake, because it is somebody’s happy birthday somewhere!

Yes, I do bad things, but I do them well.

Here to steer clear of my family and friends on Facebook.

Love is a great beautifier.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me that I can do it with both of my eyes closed.

The weird in me acknowledges and salutes the weird in you.

Did it for the memories – totally worth it!

Recommended by 4 out of 5 people that recommend things.

In a relationship? Nah! I am in a flirtationship.

I feel really sad for seedless watermelons. What if they wanted babies?

My relationship status? Netflix, chips, and pajamas!

You do realize makeup isn’t going to fix your stupidity?

I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.

Living proof that nobody is perfect.

Will you lend me a kiss? I promise to give it back.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

This will be my last Instagram bio ever.

A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.

I hold the key to success, but someone changed the lock

If you’re going to be stupid, at least be entertaining.

Really good at stuff until people watch me do the stuff.

Sometimes, I wish life had subtitles.

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.

God is really creative, I mean just look at me.

The more you weight, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake!

Humble with just a hint of Kanye

Some people are alive only, because it’s illegal to kill them.

What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.

I am standing outside. Therefore, if anyone asks, I am outstanding!

Here on Instagram to stalk.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Always identify who to blame in an emergency.

Okay, I’m pretty sure this isn’t my home planet.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a cupcake.