Accountant Jokes

What do accountants like most about the weekends? They get to wear casual clothes to work!

Why does Santa like visiting the UK? He can claim Gift Relief.

How do accountants make a bold fashion statement? Wear their dark grey socks instead of the light grey.

Why are accountants always so calm, composed, and methodical? They have strong internal controls.

Why do accountants get excited at the weekends? Because they can wear casual clothes to work.

Why are accountants so cool, calm and collected? They have strong internal controls.

What does CPA stand for? Can’t Pass Again.

What did the accountant say when he looked at the tax form? The man who set the standard deduction must have been a bachelor. I am lying when I am listing myself as a head of household.

What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost.

America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer!

How many accounts does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many did it take last year?

How do you know when an accountant’s having a mid-life crisis? He gets a faster calculator.

Why did the accountant stare at his glass of orange juice for three hours? Because on the box it said Concentrate.

How can you tell when the chief accountant is getting soft? When he actually listens to marketing before saying no.

How does a pirate report treasure on his taxes? On a schedule sea!

What do accountants do for fun? Add the telephone book!

Children may be a tax deductible, but they’re still taxing.

What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.? Lazy.

How does an accountant stay out of debt? He learns to act his wage.

Be audit you can be.

What’s the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do? Go into town and gang-audit someone.

What does an accountant say when boarding a train? Mind the GAAP!

What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone? Popular

Did you hear about the fraudulent Irish Finance Director? He burned his office down trying to cook the books.

If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep all she has to say is “Dear, tell me about your day at work.”

How do you know when an accountant is on holiday? He doesn’t wear a tie and comes in after 8am!

What would an accountant want for a superpower? Telepathy with an excel spreadsheet.

Why don’t skunks have to pay taxes? They’ve only got one scent.

What is the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.

For every tax problem there is a solution that is straightforward, uncomplicated, and wrong.

How do accountants manage to stay out of debt? They learn to act their wage.

What do you call an accountant with an opinion? An auditor.

Why did the auditor get run over crossing the road? Auditors never actually do the risk assessment well until after the accident happens.

What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, take two days holiday every three years, works every weekend and stays until 10pm every night? Lazy.

How many accountants does it take to screw in a lightbulb? How many did it take last year?

What do you call an accountant without a calculator? Lonely.

For every tax problem encountered there is a solution that’s straightforward, uncomplicated, and wrong.

Accounting for Dummies. What’s the big deal? Cr. Cash Dr. Dummies. Simple.

Why was the accountant so excited that he completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 59 weeks? Because on the box it said 8-12 Years.

What is the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don’t understand. –via Groco

Welcome to the accounting department, where everybody counts.

Did you hear about the blonde Management Accountant? She went to see her fitness trainer to talk about stretch targets.

What do you call a group financial controller who’s lost his job? Bob.

How did the auditor propose to his girlfriend? With an engagement letter.

The best things in life are free — plus tax, of course.

What does an accountant say when you ask him the time? It’s 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait – 13 seconds, no wait – 14 seconds, no wait…

What’s grey on the inside and red on the outside? An accountant turned inside out.

What do you call a trial balance that does not balance? A late night.

If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep, what does she say? “Darling, could you tell me about your work.”

What music is played at a financial accountant’s funeral? The Last Post.

Have you heard the one about the fun accountant? Me neither.

An economist is someone who didn’t have enough personality to become an accountant.

What’s grey and not there? An accountant on vacation.

Why do accountants make good lovers? They’re great with figures.

Why do economists exist? So accountants have someone to laugh at.

How can you tell if an accountant is extroverted? He looks at your shoes when talking to you instead of looking at his own.

How do you know an accountant is taking a vacation day? He comes in after 8am and isn’t wearing a tie!

Why do accountants make good lovers? They’re great with figures!

What do you call a trial balance that doesn’t balance? A late night.

What did the overworked asset say to the other asset? I feel so under depreciated.

Did you hear about the shy and retiring accountant? The accountant is $1 million shy and hence is retiring.

What is the definition of a good tax accountant?Someone who has a loophole named after him.

Why don’t old accountants die? They just lose their balance!

Why did the accountant divorce the banker? They couldn’t reconcile their differences.

Did you hear about the deviant Forensic Accountant? He got his client’s charges reduced from gross indecency to net indecency.

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? How much money do you have?

Did you hear about the cannibal CPA? She charges an arm and a leg.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Why don’t accountants read novels? Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

How was copper wire invented? 2 accountants were arguing over a penny.

What’s an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.

What does an accountant say when getting on a train? Mind the GAAP.

What’s an accountant’s favorite brand of cereal? Post!

What’s an actuary? An accountant without the sense of humour.

What do actuaries do to liven up their office party? Invite an accountant.

They say that two things in life are unavoidable: death and taxes. At least death only happens once!

There are 3 types of accountants. Those who can count and those who can’t.

Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child, “No, son. It wouldn’t be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking.”

What do you call an accountant with an opinion? An auditor!

Where do homeless accountants live? In a tax shelter.

Some say that nobody should keep too much to themselves. The IRS office is of the same opinion.

Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries? They find bookkeeping too exciting.

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire an accountant a short while ago?” The business owner replies, “That’s the accountant I’ve been searching for.”

What’s the differences between lawyers and accountants? Accountants know they’re boring.

Why did God invent economists? So accountants could have someone to laugh at.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.” “Have you tried counting sheep?” “That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

Did you hear about the zombie CPA? He charges an arm and a leg.

What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? The accountant knows he’s boring.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t? Depreciation.

Did you hear about the constipated CFO? He couldn’t budget with his calculator so he had to work it out with a pencil and paper.

What’s the difference between death and taxes? Congress doesn’t meet every year to make death worse.

How does an accountant trash their hotel room? By refusing to fill in the Guest Comment Card.

What’s an accountant’s favourite book? 50 Shades of Grey.

How does Santa’s accountant value his sleigh? Net Present Value.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold a road map the wrong way.

Why did the cannibal accountant get disciplined? For buttering up her clients.

What’s grey has 6 legs, 2 arms and is twenty feet tall? An accountant riding an elephant.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane? Tie them to a chair and mess up their excel formulas.

Why was the accountant in rehab? Solvency abuse.

What’s an accountant’s idea of trashing his hotel room? Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

What did the accountant say when he got a blank check? My deductions have at last caught up with the salary.