Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

Few people know that Chuck Norris has a diary—it’s called the Guinness Book of World Records.

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a push up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity—three times.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He simply decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.

On New Year’s Eve, Chuck Norris promised that he’d lose 20 pounds. The next morning he shaved his chest and smiled as he realized that he’d lost 30.

On the 7th day, God rested … Chuck Norris took over.

When life gave Chuck Norris lemons, he squeezed the lemons and made orange juice.

Chuck Norris can get in a bucket and lift it up with himself in it.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, ‘Two seconds till.’ After you ask, ‘Two seconds to what?’ he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.

Chuck Norris is actually the creator of the giraffe. It came to be after he uppercut a horse.

Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

Bigfoot claims he once saw Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

What came first, the chicken or the egg? Chuck Norris came first.

Chuck Norris once ate at Taco Bell and didn’t get diarrhea…

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming “Law and Order” are trademarked names.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.