Christmas Jokes

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa? Claustrophobic.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Interrupting Santa. Inter– Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

What do you get when you cross a deer with rain? A reindeer!

Why didn’t Rudolph get a good report card? Because he went down in history.

What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsels!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.

When Santa is on the beach what do the elves call him? Sandy Claus

Why does Santa always come through the chimney? Because he knows better than to try the back door.

What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes!

What did Frosty’s girlfriend give him when she was mad at him? The cold shoulder.

Did you hear about the man who stole an advent calendar? He got 25 days.

How did the bauble know that she was addicted to Christmas? She’d been hooked on Christmas trees all her life.

Where do Santa’s reindeer stop for coffee? Star-bucks!

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree? Nice gnawing you!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!

What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.

What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate clauses.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!

Why wouldn’t the cat climb the Christmas tree? It was afraid of the bark.

What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells!

What’s the Grinch’s least favorite band? The Who!

Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had very low elf esteem.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Coal. Coal who? Coal me if you hear Santa coming.

Why is Santa so damn jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

What do you call a blind reindeer with no legs? Still no-eye deer.

What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-olph.

Why does Santa have elves in his workshop? Because the Seven Dwarfs were busy!

Why does Scrooge love reindeer so much? Because every single buck is dear to him!

What carol is heard in the desert? ‘O camel ye faithful!’

What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”? Santa walking backwards!

Why did Santa get a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone!

What is a Christmas tree’s favorite candy? Ornamints.

Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.

What does Santa do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack.

What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker? Pays her off!

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming? He refers to his calen-deer.

Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber? It needed to be trimmed!

Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was searching for some holiday spirit.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas Quacker!

The Christmas jumper my kids gave me last year kept picking up static electricity. I took it back and exchanged it for another one – free of charge.

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas Party? Because he had no body to go with!

Why did Donald Trump continuously decorate the Christmas tree? Because people kept saying “moron” to him!

A book never written: How to Decorate a Tree, by Orna Ment.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Snow. Snow who? Snow time to waste. It’s almost Christmas!

Why did Santa have to go to the hospital? Because of his poor elf.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house!

Why does Santa go down the chimney? Because it soots him!

What do you call buying a piano for the holidays? Christmas Chopin!

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Santa. Santa who? Santa Christmas card to you, did you get it?